First Steps
by hydref05
Summary: Josh and Donna take the first steps on the road to recovering their friendship.


**First Steps**  
Josh and Donna take the first steps to recover their friendship. -- Josh and Donna -- Set during the Santos/McGarry campaign.  
Disclaimer: Josh, Donna, Bram and Leo all belong to other people.

* * *

Josh watched Donna and Bram across the other side of the office. He saw the way Bram leaned over Donna to show her something on the paper she was reading, he saw Donna laughing at whatever Bram was saying, and he felt a twinge of jealousy.  
Donna had been his closest friend for years, no one knew him better than she did and fear of loosing that friendship had been part of what had held him back, what had stopped him taking their relationship further than friendship. The irony of that didn't escape Josh. 

Leo followed Josh's gaze when he joined him. "For God's sake talk to her."

"Sorry?" Josh asked.

"Donna, Josh. Talk to her, before you go mad."

"I don't…" Josh started to deny but then shrugged. "What's the point?" he asked.

"If you don't talk to her you'll never know, will you."

"I guess," Josh agreed, giving Donna and Bram one last glance. "So, have you spoken to Margaret?"

"I have."

"And?"

"I think she's mad, but she'll be here in two weeks."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As usual Josh was the last person in the office that evening. By 10 he'd finished all the work he was going to and had started replying to an email from mother, when a steaming mug was placed on the desk next to him. He looked up from the computer screen. "What's this?" he asked.

"Coffee," Donna replied.

"You've bought me coffee?"

"I have."

"You've only bought me coffee like 3 times in eight years."

"Yes, but I'm not your assistant anymore."

Josh smiled, "So now you can bring me coffee?"

"Do you want it or not?" Donna asked.

"I want it," Josh replied. "This is like a landmark event."

"It's a cup of coffee, Josh, let's not make it into a dear diary moment." Donna sat down across from him and drank her own coffee.

The silence seemed to drag on and after only a minute, Josh couldn't take it anymore. "It's going well," he said.

"It is," Donna agreed.

"Leo's trip was well received."

"We were surprised how well it went."

"You enjoying it?"

"I am." Donna almost flinched at the awkwardness of the conversation, next she thought they'd be discussing the weather. "What's going on with us?" she asked.

Josh shrugged, "I dunno."

"Are you angry with me?" Donna asked.

"No. Why would I be?"

"The way I left."

"I thought you were angry with me. I thought that was why you left."

"Not everything revolves around you," Donna said, "I left because I needed a change, I needed to do more. To prove that I could do more."

"No one doubted you could do more than be my assistant."

"_I_ did, until I went to Gaza," Donna told him, "then I began to think that maybe I could. While I was there I decided that I was going to look for something else when I got back. Although I intended actually talking to you about it first, not just leaving. Then the bomb and… suddenly I wasn't sure what I wanted to do."

"Why didn't you talk to me?" Josh asked.

"Would you have listened? Can you honestly say you would have heard me out?" Donna said. "I tried before I left, but you kept finding excuses not to."

"I know, because I'd guessed what you wanted to tell me."

"And you thought that by avoiding me I'd stay?"

Josh shrugged, "I never claimed to be logical or rational," he gave a small smile.

"I am sorry it happened like that. I know you'd had a shit few months, I didn't mean to abandon you."

"I left a week after you did," Josh reminded her. "I would have asked you to come with me, except you wouldn't have wanted to would you?"

"No. But not because of you."

"Then why?"

"I said. I needed to prove I could be something on my own. That I could step out of your shadow and survive."

"So why agree to join us now?" he asked. "Actually no, sorry, forget I asked that, that was a really dumb question."

"Yes it was."

Josh heard the anger in Donna's voice. "Don't. I know. You have proved yourself. Leo employed you on your own merit, not because you used to work for me. No one thinks you're here because you were my assistant."

"Good," Donna said. "And for your information, there are a few reasons I agreed to join this campaign."

"Okay, I said I was sorry," Josh tried to stop the conversation heading in the wrong direction.

"I joined," Donna continued, "because I realized that Santos was the real thing during the stem-cell vote. I listened to him trying to convince some of the others to change their vote, while still respecting their point of view. His argument, the way he did it, the intelligence and the passion, it reminded me of Jed Bartlet, and it was certainly something I'd never heard from Russell."

"He is the real thing," Josh agreed.

Donna nodded. "And of course, what a compliment to have Leo ask me to work for him. How could anyone not be flattered by that?" she smiled.

"Yes," Josh said, "been there," he smiled.

"And you've returned the favor," Donna said.

"That was a moment I won't forget in a hurry," Josh agreed.

"Then there was the chance to work with you, rather than for you," Donna suddenly said.

Josh looked at her. "Working with me is a good thing?"

"Yes. I hate to feed your already overstuffed ego, but yes, working with you is a good thing. At least I thought it would be."

Josh frowned. "But it's not?"

Donna wondered how to answer that. She knew they had to to talk about the problem between them if they were ever going to get back on track. "It's different," she said.

"Awkward," Josh amended. "We used to talk about everything and anything, now we're lucky if we can get past the weather without it feeling forced."

Donna nodded. "So what are we going to do about it?"

"Talk," Josh said. "About whatever the problem is, or at least try and work out what the problem is."

"It isn't just because we left the White House."

"No, it started before that," Josh agreed.

Donna knew exactly when it had started. When Josh was in Germany they were closer than they'd ever been. Once she was home, he'd been at her apartment every evening after work, he'd phoned her two or three times during the day to check she was alright and that she didn't need anything. But then she'd returned to work and it had all changed. They both knew that they'd grown closer and they knew they were in danger of giving it away, so they'd pulled away from each other.

"I'm sorry," Josh said. "I shut you out, I shouldn't have done that."

"You were having a tough time, Leo being ill, CJ becoming chief of staff, I could have helped if you'd let me."

"You had your own problems, you didn't need mine as well."

Donna sighed, that was Josh all over; when he most needed other people's support he pushed them away so they wouldn't know, wouldn't see he was vulnerable. In the past she hadn't let him to that, but he was right, she'd had her own problems.

"You are okay now aren't you?" Josh asked.

"I'm fine," Donna assured him, "don't I look it?"

"You look great," Josh replied.

"Thank you."

"As long as you're not covering up," he added.

"I'm not you," Donna replied. "My leg's fine, I'm off my medication, my chest is fine." She decided on a little more openness, "And I spoke to ATVA."

Josh looked surprised, relieved and a little guilty all at the same time. "You did? How did that go?"

"It was weird at first, it's not as easy as I'd imagined, but it helped and I'm fine." She couldn't miss Josh's concerned look though. "I don't have PTSD or anything. I did need to talk about being the only survivor though."

Josh nodded. If anyone could understand survivor guilt it was him and he felt he should have been there for her to talk to. "Did it help, talking to someone about that?"

"Yeah it did. It helped to talk it through with someone who wasn't involved." Donna wasn't about to admit to Josh that she would never quite be able to understand why the others had died and she hadn't. The therapist had made her admit that nothing she had done had led to their deaths, he'd made her realize that she couldn't have altered any of the events no matter what she'd done. But in spite of that, she would never understand it.

"So you're okay then?"

"Yes. What about you?" Donna asked.

"You know me, completely screwed up," Josh smiled.

"Yes, I remember," Donna returned the smile, then looked serious again. "It wasn't your fault you know, me or Leo."

"Yeah," Josh replied with absolutely no conviction.

"It wasn't," Donna repeated.

"I sent you to Gaza."

"You didn't plant the bomb," Donna replied. "The president took you to the Newseum with him, Charlie was the target, do you blame them for being shot?"

"Of course I don't, don't be ridiculous."

"How's it any different?"

Josh shrugged, "I don't know."

Donna knew better than to tell Josh to stop beating himself up, to stop feeling guilty, she knew that was a part of his personality nobody could change. "I want things to be normal between us again," she said.

"Me too," Josh agreed. "You think us wanting it is enough?"

"I think it's a damn good start," Donna replied.

Josh nodded. He knew they'd both changed in the last year, Donna especially. She'd grown. He had thought it had been away from him, but maybe it didn't need to be. "You want to go and get a drink, play some pool?" he asked nervously.

Donna smiled. "Yes."

"Excellent." Josh stood up, held out his hand and pulled Donna to her feet. "Have you been to The Shovels?" he asked. "They have some great beers."

"Three beers is your maximum, Josh. We're working tomorrow."

"Yes, yes, delicate system, I know," Josh gave a mock sigh.

Donna grinned and followed Josh out of the office. Things didn't feel normal yet, but at least they'd admitted there was a problem and wasn't that the first step on the road to recovery?

END (of this fic, but not of the story...)


End file.
